Carol Fulwiler Jones, MA

Valentines Day may be the only hallmark day that couples enjoy celebrating when they are in treatment for infertility. It’s not about getting together with family or friends who are pregnant. It’s about honoring your sacred relationship with your partner. It’s about taking time to tell each other how much you cherish one another. It’s remembering you chose to be together because of the special connection you share. You did not choose each other just to have a baby and parent together.

I saw a couple today, John and Mimi (not their real names), who have been married for twelve years. I saw them for counseling a few years ago when they were in treatment for infertility.  She was in her late thirties, and her egg quality was poor. They decided that adoption or donor eggs was not right for them, so they stopped medical treatments and chose child free living. Now, years later, they are about 80% at peace with their child free decision, even though the yearning to be a parent still surfaces on occasion.

Mimi talked about how she blamed herself for them not being able to have a baby. She gained weight on fertility drugs and was no longer feeling feminine and sexy. This led to her distancing from her husband and avoiding sex. The more she distanced, the more he immersed himself in work. Today they came to see me because they love each other very much. They have become so detached from one another that she has been talking about leaving the marriage. She is not happy with herself or with John. She does not want to leave this man she loves, but she is lonely and sad. She wants him to pay attention to her and spend time with her. He wants her to listen to him and support him through the difficult financial times he is having at work.

They started telling me the reasons they chose to marry each other and the many qualities they love in one another. I asked them to look at one another and say these compliments to each other rather than to me. It was magical how they immediately started smiling and their body postures released the physical tension they were holding. Continue reading →

There are many common challenges during infertility which are frequently written about, and these include the emotional, physical, financial and relationship issues. However, the one issue that I believe commands more attention is the spiritual and religious aspects of infertility. During the past two decades of working as an infertility counselor, I have learned the importance of asking couples if they are having any religious or spiritual struggles with their choice of infertility treatment. If I don’ ask this important question, couples may wrestle with issue and sit silently in pain. Although the Catholic doctrine does not condone the use of assisted reproductive technologies to become pregnant, Catholics are not alone in having moral, ethical and emotional struggles over whether particular infertility treatments align with their religious beliefs.

In fact, a few months ago, I counseled with a couple, Judy and Mark, (not their real names) who were trying to decide if attempting a pregnancy with donor eggs would be an acceptable way to build a family. They had tried a couple of intrauterine inseminations and one in vitro fertilization cycle, and their reproductive endocrinologist was now recommending they use donor eggs because Judy is in her early 40′s and her egg quality was poor. After three years of struggling to get pregnant, Judy was ready to move forward with using donor eggs. However, Mark was raised in the Catholic church and was a devoted Catholic. He said he knew the Pope did not condone using assisted reproductive technologies so he wasn’t sure whether this was an acceptable option for him. He said that IVF was a stretch, and using donor eggs was a stretch he wasn’t sure he could come to terms with. We spent time exploring their religious and spiritual beliefs, and we discussed the importance of honoring their beliefs, values, and truths. I recommended they meet with their priest to talk about how much they wanted to be parents and how conflicted they were feeling about using donor eggs for conception.

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Welcome to my blog. After procrastinating for way too long, I  decided it’s time to start telling stories about the courageous women who are undergoing infertility treatment. We are all story tellers, and our lives are an intricately woven web of our experiences and relationships. Everyone has their own lens of how they experience, interpret, and respond to infertility treatment, and I help women view their infertility experiences through a new lens.

I have specialized in infertility counseling for over two decades, and each day I am reminded of what a privilege it is for me  to sit with women who are passionately pursuing their dream of becoming mothers. You are strong and determined women. You are on a quest to be a mother and want to stay the course. There just may be challenges along the way, and you could benefit from a counselor who really gets what you are going through and knows how to guide and support you through these difficult moments.

I have walked in your shoes, and I know first hand what you are feeling and thinking. I know you worry in the middle of the night about whether your treatment this month will result in a positive pregnancy test. I know you begin to worry when it’s time for your period to start, and you are praying you will not start bleeding. I know the silent pain and heartache you experince. I also know how to help ease your pain and offer you hope .

My blog is stories of hope, pain, joy, sorrow…and the range of complex emotions and relationship dynamics which manifest while you are struggling to become a mother. These are tender moments of passion, vulnerability and self exploration. These are opportunities to stretch and grow. Let me hold your hand as I tell stories of healing and hope.