I saw a couple today, John and Mimi (not their real names), who have been married for twelve years. I saw them for counseling a few years ago when they were in treatment for infertility.  She was in her late thirties, and her egg quality was poor. They decided that adoption or donor eggs was not right for them, so they stopped medical treatments and chose child free living. Now, years later, they are about 80% at peace with their child free decision, even though the yearning to be a parent still surfaces on occasion.

Mimi talked about how she blamed herself for them not being able to have a baby. She gained weight on fertility drugs and was no longer feeling feminine and sexy. This led to her distancing from her husband and avoiding sex. The more she distanced, the more he immersed himself in work. Today they came to see me because they love each other very much. They have become so detached from one another that she has been talking about leaving the marriage. She is not happy with herself or with John. She does not want to leave this man she loves, but she is lonely and sad. She wants him to pay attention to her and spend time with her. He wants her to listen to him and support him through the difficult financial times he is having at work.

They started telling me the reasons they chose to marry each other and the many qualities they love in one another. I asked them to look at one another and say these compliments to each other rather than to me. It was magical how they immediately started smiling and their body postures released the physical tension they were holding. I suggested they turn off all electronics each evening for one hour and spend time connecting with one another–discussing an interesting topic, playing a game, going for a walk, or making love. John and Mimi agreed to this and were reminded of how much time and attention they gave each other when they were dating. Over the years with the stresses of infertility and of life, they detached from nurturing and caring for one another, and they realized how simple it is to tune in and reconnect.

Mimi was brilliant in acknowledging that John was not responsible for how she loves and cares for herself. She said that loving herself only comes from within, and she was interested in gently learning to reconnect with and care for herself. John does not want this wonderful and devoted wife to ever leave him, and he is willing to step up his efforts to give her attention and help her feel safe. I was looking out my window as they were leaving my office building. They were holding hands, walking close to each other, and laughing. I deeply appreciate the moments when I have the privilege of witnessing couples reconnect  and remember why they chose to spend their lives growing old together.

So… On Valentines Day and each day, remember to love yourself well so that you can love others well.

In fact, a few months ago, I counseled with a couple, Judy and Mark, (not their real names) who were trying to decide if attempting a pregnancy with donor eggs would be an acceptable way to build a family. They had tried a couple of intrauterine inseminations and one in vitro fertilization cycle, and their reproductive endocrinologist was now recommending they use donor eggs because Judy is in her early 40′s and her egg quality was poor. After three years of struggling to get pregnant, Judy was ready to move forward with using donor eggs. However, Mark was raised in the Catholic church and was a devoted Catholic. He said he knew the Pope did not condone using assisted reproductive technologies so he wasn’t sure whether this was an acceptable option for him. He said that IVF was a stretch, and using donor eggs was a stretch he wasn’t sure he could come to terms with. We spent time exploring their religious and spiritual beliefs, and we discussed the importance of honoring their beliefs, values, and truths. I recommended they meet with their priest to talk about how much they wanted to be parents and how conflicted they were feeling about using donor eggs for conception.

They had a good relationship with their priest  and were open to his exploring this topic with him. I did not hear back from Mark and Judy for almost 3 months, but they contacted me last week to set up another counseling session. They said they had met with their priest, and he told them “a child is always a gift from God”. He gave them his support in pursuing parenting, and he also reminded them that the Catholic church does not condone using any assisted reproductive technologies. Mark and Judy took a few months talk about the beliefs of the Catholic church, the conversation with their priest, and their personal relationship with God. They wanted to take time know what felt “right” in this difficult struggle. Mark and Judy found peace with their decision and felt this was a personal decision to be made between them and God.

During infertility treatments, you will often be faced with having to explore your core beliefs and values…and how they align with your spouse’s core beliefs and values. Sometimes it just helps to slow down and take time to explore what feels right for you. It doesn’t matter what your friend would do in a similar situation, it only matters what you and your spouse decide is right for you as a couple. It may help to read books and have conversations with spiritual mentors and leaders in your religious place of worship. Then be still and listen carefully to your inner voice so you can access your own truth. Then you can find the peace as you take the next step that feels right for you.  Your inner wisdom often becomes clear when you take time to be quite, still, and pay careful attention what you know to be true.

I have specialized in infertility counseling for over two decades, and each day I am reminded of what a privilege it is for me  to sit with women who are passionately pursuing their dream of becoming mothers. You are strong and determined women. You are on a quest to be a mother and want to stay the course. There just may be challenges along the way, and you could benefit from a counselor who really gets what you are going through and knows how to guide and support you through these difficult moments.

I have walked in your shoes, and I know first hand what you are feeling and thinking. I know you worry in the middle of the night about whether your treatment this month will result in a positive pregnancy test. I know you begin to worry when it’s time for your period to start, and you are praying you will not start bleeding. I know the silent pain and heartache you experince. I also know how to help ease your pain and offer you hope .

My blog is stories of hope, pain, joy, sorrow…and the range of complex emotions and relationship dynamics which manifest while you are struggling to become a mother. These are tender moments of passion, vulnerability and self exploration. These are opportunities to stretch and grow. Let me hold your hand as I tell stories of healing and hope.