Carol Fulwiler Jones, MA http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com The Infertility Counselor Tue, 08 May 2012 19:47:45 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 How To Turn Around The Secret Heartache Of Mother’s Day http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/05/08/how-to-turn-around-the-secret-heartache-of-mothers-day/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=how-to-turn-around-the-secret-heartache-of-mothers-day http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/05/08/how-to-turn-around-the-secret-heartache-of-mothers-day/#comments Tue, 08 May 2012 19:47:45 +0000 Carol Fulwiler Jones http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/?p=526 Continue reading →]]> Mother’s Day (and Father’s Day) are approaching, and they are especially hard for one out of every eight couples of childbearing age who are struggling with infertility. Some of the most painful aspects of this secret heartache, include:

* The 2012 Mother’s Day is a stark reminder that another year has passed and you have not been blessed with a pregnancy or baby. You feel left out, rather than special and important.

* With the abundance of advertising in preparation for Mother’s Day, it is a painful reminder that you have not been successful in fulfilling your dream of being a mother.

* Churches, synagogues, and places of worship are avoided because the sermons are focused on celebrating what you most yearn to celebrate with all the other parents.

* During family meals and gatherings, conversation often centers on anyone who is pregnant or has young children. These conversations are uncomfortable, sad, and upsetting.

* Friends and family may ask questions such as, “When are you going to start a family?” or “Do you think you will be a mother soon?” It is challenging to respond creatively with upset yourself or others.

 Here is some advice for how to stay calm and enjoy Mother’s Day:

* Do something new and different as a couple. Maybe this is the year you and your partner go out of town for a romantic weekend together, get massages, or spend the day hiking.

* Hang out with friends who are not pregnant and having babies.

* If you decide to be with family, send an email to family members in advance explaining what you’re going through, and let them know that if the conversation turns to babies when you get together, you may not stay. It’s nice to spend some time with your mother  or grandmother reflecting on the the many things you appreciate about them.

Try not to let this Hallmark occasion negatively affect you. It’s just a day and does not have to be filled with negative emotions. Go do something you enjoy and buy some flowers for yourself. A little pampering always feels good.

 ]]> http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/05/08/how-to-turn-around-the-secret-heartache-of-mothers-day/feed/ 0 Do One Thing To Make A Difference During National Infertility Awareness Week http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/04/26/do-one-thing-to-make-a-difference-during-national-infertility-awareness-week/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=do-one-thing-to-make-a-difference-during-national-infertility-awareness-week http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/04/26/do-one-thing-to-make-a-difference-during-national-infertility-awareness-week/#comments Thu, 26 Apr 2012 01:07:35 +0000 Carol Fulwiler Jones http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/?p=520 Continue reading →]]> This is National Infertility Awareness Week….and you may not know this if you are not on infertility websites. The sad news is that most people do not know much of anything about infertility unless it touches their life in some way-maybe through a friend, a family member, or a coworker. Everyone hears so much about diseases such as cancer, but infertility is still a silent disease in many ways. I hope this will change one day. One out of every five couples of childbearing age is struggling with infertility, and the numbers have increased by almost 20% in just seven years.

This is a quote from my book, “Managing The Stress Of Infertility”, which seems appropriate here: “I believe everyone who is infertile should have equal access to medical treatment regardless of their sexual orientation, race, or socioeconomic status. My dream is that one day infertility will no longer be a secret disease and people can openly talk about their treatment and family-building choices without fear of judgment, stigma, or negative consequences. Life is a gift to be celebrated. A child is a gift to a parent, no matter how conception occurs or how a parent and child come together.”

The media seems to be doing a better job of educating the public about infertility. However, our personal voices need to become louder and stronger. During Infertility Awareness Week, and every week, I encourage you to speak up for the infertile population in a way that feels right for you. This is an important way to honor yourself or someone you know who is suffering with the disease of infertility. Then maybe one day people will be more educated about infertility and will be better equipped to give you the support and understanding you deserve.

]]> http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/04/26/do-one-thing-to-make-a-difference-during-national-infertility-awareness-week/feed/ 0 Gestational Surrogacy: Psychological Screening http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/04/23/www-sorromomsonline-co/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=www-sorromomsonline-co http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/04/23/www-sorromomsonline-co/#comments Mon, 23 Apr 2012 14:58:42 +0000 Carol Fulwiler Jones http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/?p=474 Continue reading →]]> In my last blog, I talked about the three main professionals you need to work closely with during a gestational surrogacy arrangement: the medical team, the attorney, and the counselor. Since I am an infertility counselor who has done psychological screening of surrogates and intended parents for over two decades, I want to walk you through this process and what you can expect. If the surrogate, the surrogate’s partner, or the intended parents change their minds about proceeding with this arrangement, it usually occurs in my office. Although it is very disappointing if this happens, you want it to happen now, not after the surrogate is pregnant.

I do not recommend anyone be a surrogate who has not experienced pregnancy and delivery, because without this previous experience, she really does not understand the enormity of what she is consenting to embark upon. The counselor should first meet with the surrogate and her partner (if applicable) for about 90 minutes to gather information about their personal history, marital history, family history, and psychosocial history.Then they spend time discussing the important issues involved in carrying a baby for another couple. Once these discussions are completed, the surrogate takes a personality inventory or another recommended psychological test.

The intended parents should also meet with the counselor for about 90 minutes to gather information and discuss similar issues which were discussed with the surrogate. The next step is, in my opinion, one of the most important  parts of the psychological screening. The two couples meet with the counselor in the same room together. This should always be done face-to-face rather than by telephone or skype. There should be open discussion about issues that have been discussed in the separate counseling sessions. The “worst case scenarios” and the “what if’s” should be explored to ensure everyone is on the same page if difficult situations arise during the pregnancy, labor, or delivery. We discuss how often they plan to be in contact before, during,and after pregnancy. We talk about the importance of open, honest communication throughout this relationship. These couples will be intimately connected for at least a year of their lives, and possibly for the rest of their lives.

I cannot think of a greater gift to give anyone than carrying a baby for a couple who is unable to carry a pregnancy to term. This is such a selfless act, and it also has potential risks and consequences. I have to say I get teary eyed as I sit with couples who express their gratitude and appreciation for one another in agreeing to proceed with their surrogacy plans. The love and caring is deep and profound, and I am privileged to be a part of this special time in the lives of others.

]]> http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/04/23/www-sorromomsonline-co/feed/ 0 Super Surrogate Gives Birth To 15th Baby http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/04/16/super-surrogate-gives-birth-to-15th-baby/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=super-surrogate-gives-birth-to-15th-baby http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/04/16/super-surrogate-gives-birth-to-15th-baby/#comments Mon, 16 Apr 2012 18:02:54 +0000 Carol Fulwiler Jones http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/?p=458 Continue reading →]]> It’s true…15 babies! What a blessing this woman, Meredith Olafson, has been to so many families. I think we are all here for special reasons, and her life’s purpose includes having babies and giving the gift of life to others. I can’t think of a more blessed gift anyone could give to another person. This is the gift that keeps on giving, in that a baby is a gift to the parents, grandparents, extended family, and friends. These babies would not be here were it not for this  amazing surrogate. I saw Merideth on TV, and here  is the link to read more.

She says she is retiring her uterus, and it has worked hard growing miracle babies through the years. In my infertility counseling work, I have counseled with surrogates and couples for almost 20 years. I remain in awe of these giving and compassionate women who offer to grow a baby for another couple. I know there are a few sad, disappointing, and horrific stories about surrogacy arrangements, but the truth is, there are also many heart warming success stories.

I think the foundation for a successful surrogacy arrangement has 3 main components: 1) Choose an expert doctor for the medical care. 2) Choose an expert attorney for the legal advice and documents. 3) Choose an expert psychotherapist for the psychological evaluation. These professionals should specialize in surrogacy arrangements, and it’s wise to follow their recommendations and advice. They are interested in protecting the best interests of the intended parents, the unborn child, and the surrogate.

Many couples who have decided to work with a surrogate are depleted emotionally and financially due to unsuccessful infertility treatment cycles and/ or pregnancy losses. As a result, they are often frustrated and are anxious to become parents. This can put them at risk of moving too quickly and cutting corners to save money.

If you are the intended parents, do NOT work with  your friend who is an attorney (with no surrogacy experience) and offers to do the legal paperwork for a cheap price. Do NOT choose a counselor who is covered by your medical insurance plan who will “sign off” and recommend you proceed with the surrogacy arrangement if the counselor has no expertise or experience with the important issues which should be addressed before proceeding. I am shocked several times a year when I get a call from a clinic or agency asking me to do the psychological evaluation and recommend whether a surrogate is mentally and emotionally healthy to proceed. While a surrogate may be wanting to do this for appropriate reasons, and may appear to be mentally and emotionally healthy based on personal history, marital history, family history, psychosexual history, and psychological testing, this doesn’t necessarily mean she will be a good fit for the couple she is planning to carry the baby for. This is a unique and involved relationship between the surrogate, her partner, and the intended parents. They will be intimately involved in each others lives for a minimum of a year, and possibly for the rest of their lives.

It may take time to connect with a surrogate who is a good fit for you. Be thoughtful as you do your homework to find a doctor, an attorney, and a psychotherapist who are experts in in their fields and experienced in surrogacy arrangements. These professionals know each other and can help you with referrals. You will find this is money well spent, and these professionals are there to help you manage the many complex steps needed to embark on a successful surrogacy arrangement.

 ]]> http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/04/16/super-surrogate-gives-birth-to-15th-baby/feed/ 0 Create Your Mantra Of Hope For Getting Pregnant http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/04/04/create-your-mantra-of-hope-for-getting-pregnant/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=create-your-mantra-of-hope-for-getting-pregnant http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/04/04/create-your-mantra-of-hope-for-getting-pregnant/#comments Wed, 04 Apr 2012 13:56:01 +0000 Carol Fulwiler Jones http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/?p=447 Continue reading →]]> wondering if you will be able to get pregnant and have a baby? Hang onto your hope… even if it feels like you are hanging on a cliff by your fingernails. I know this is your dream to be a mother, and when you start the negative thoughts and fears, you feel terrible emotionally. You start worrying, your energy is zapped, and you are not enjoying your life.  

I also believe that moving form hope to despair has negative effects on your body, which includes your fertility. You imagine life as a pregnant woman will be your main source of joy, and this is just an illusion you are creating. You have so much joy in your life, you just may not be noticing on your joyful moments throughout the day.

So how do you stay hopeful when you are getting your period every month, spending lots of money on treatments which have not been successful, and feeling like you do not fit in the fertile world of pregnant women and new mothers? Isn’t hope really a choice, an attitude, a belief? We actually can control our thoughts rather than allow them to control us.

There are so many important choices we make in life, such as who to marry and which job to accept. When you were walking down the aisle on your wedding day, were you saying to yourself: “Why I am I doing this? Our marriage probably won’t work out since 50% of marriages end in divorce anyway.” No, you were choosing to think positively that your marriage would be successful and happy. When you accept a new job, do you tell yourself,”This job probably won’t be a good fit for me. Since so many people are unemployed and getting laid off, that will most likely happen to me.” No, you were hopeful and excited about this new career opportunity. You can talk to yourself the same way each day while you ware trying to become pregnant.

What are these hopeful conversations you can have in your head or say out loud? Try saying this mantra to yourself several times each day: “I will have a successful pregnancy and become a mother. I am hopeful and feel positive that this will happen when the time is right.” Look in the mirror as you say your mantra, and let the feelings and thoughts resonate within you. This is the positive, fertile energy you want to surround yourself with, not the doubts and worries.

The key is to stay in this present moment. This moment of believing that you are fertile and will get pregnant. The timetable for pregnancy is unknown, but you can stay the course each month and remain confident that your dream will come to pass. If someone told you today that you would be pregnant in 16 months if you stayed in treatment for infertility, would you find each month of treatment more manageable? Give this some thought, and consider the positive suggestions and statements you can integrate in to your daily life.

This journey is not an easy one. I know this from personal experience of staying in treatment for 8 years to have my two sons. I felt so much better each day when I stayed hopeful and positive. My friends used to ask me why I continued to endure treatments for infertility, and I would respond saying, “I really want to be a mother, and I believe I will get pregnant. That’s why I choose to stay in treatment.” Create a mantra of hope that feels right for you, and let it become an integral part of how you talk to yourself throughout each day.    ]]> http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/04/04/create-your-mantra-of-hope-for-getting-pregnant/feed/ 0 What You Want To Hear From Family And Friends During Infertility Treatment http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/03/28/what-you-want-to-hear-from-family-and-friends-during-infertility-treatment/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=what-you-want-to-hear-from-family-and-friends-during-infertility-treatment http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/03/28/what-you-want-to-hear-from-family-and-friends-during-infertility-treatment/#comments Wed, 28 Mar 2012 22:54:22 +0000 Carol Fulwiler Jones http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/?p=437 Continue reading →]]> Couples are continually surprised to learn how little their friends, family, and co-workers understand about infertility. They ask inappropriate questions, make insensitive comments, and say things that upset you and hurt your feelings. You start not answering their phone calls and think of excuses to avoid seeing them. You start isolat­ing yourselves and staying home more so you don’t have to see pregnant women and babies. You feel alone. You think no one understands how you feel. If any of this sounds familiar, be as­sured that these are comments made by most couples who are experiencing infertility. You are not alone. There are over seven million men and women in our country who are infertile. There are many ways to respond to friends and loved ones. They want to help you feel better and don’t know how to do this in a way that pleases you. If they have never been through infertility, they truly don’t know what you are experiencing. Encourage them to learn about infertility by reading this book. More importantly, ask them to listen while you tell them what infertility is like for you. You can help them understand what you go through, what you feel, and what you need from them. Tell them to stop asking you questions about your treatment and whether or not you are pregnant, and assure them you will share information when you are ready. Tell them what you want them to say to you and be patient because they need time to practice new ways of responding. People who love you do not want you to feel sad. They want your pain to stop, and they may have a hard time sitting with your pain. They want to say the right thing to please you and help you feel better. Although you may think they are be­ing insensitive when they say, “Don’t worry. You will get preg­nant,” their intention in saying this is to give you hope, not to upset you. These are examples of things family and friends can say to you to be supportive:
  • Infertility seems stressful. Is there anything I can do to help lessen your stress?
  • I don’t understand the medical treatments you go through. Is there a book or some literature I can read to learn more?
  • You have lots of doctor appointments each month. Would you like me to go with you to some of your appointments?
  • I know you have surgery scheduled. Can I bring you dinner that night or help in some way during your recovery?
  • I will respect your privacy. I’m here to listen whenever you’re ready to talk.
  • I understand holidays are particularly hard for people during infertility. What can I do to help make your holidays easier and more fun?
  • I’ve never been through infertility so I don’t know what it’s like. I want to support you, and it will help if you can tell me what you need from me.
  • I hope you will be successful in building your family. There are many treatments to help you become parents, and adoption is also an option. It’s not important to me how you become parents, and I will support the choices you make.
  • It’s okay with me if you choose not to parent. A couple is a family, too.
Carefully choose the friends and family you want to in­clude in your life at this time. Surround yourself with people you trust to care about you, love you, and support you. You are asking those around you to be flexible with your mood fluctuations, be patient, and stay connected to you as you move through the ups and downs of your hopes and disappointments.  ]]> http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/03/28/what-you-want-to-hear-from-family-and-friends-during-infertility-treatment/feed/ 0 Imagery And Visualization To Enhance Fertility http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/03/21/imagery-and-visualization-to-enhance-fertility/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=imagery-and-visualization-to-enhance-fertility http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/03/21/imagery-and-visualization-to-enhance-fertility/#comments Wed, 21 Mar 2012 14:06:36 +0000 Carol Fulwiler Jones http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/?p=409 Continue reading →]]> powerful and has the ability to shift your thoughts and beliefs from a negative state to a positive state within a few moments. I created and produced a CD titled  Enhancing Fertility With Music and Imagery because I  want women to know how to access internal images of their fertility. If you are interested in ordering this CD, it’s available on my website under Book and CD’s: http://www.TheInfertilityCounselor.com. Try this exercise, and you will have a better understanding of  what I’m talking about. Close your eyes and take several slower and deeper breaths. Pay attention to your breathing and begin to release stress and tension as you exhale. Once you feel calmer and have cleared your mental chatter, just let an image of fertility come to mind. The image may be in the form of a color, a shape, a word, a picture, or whatever comes to mind. The image is personal and unique. It comes from within you and appears for a reason, so pay careful attention to your image. When I was in treatment for infertility, I often used imagery to help my body feel fertile. I focused on my fertility images several times a day, and they helped me feel confident that I would become pregnant. OK, I am going to share one of my secrets that helped me stay positive and hopeful during treatment for infertility. One of my favorite images was to visualize myself as a goddess of fertility. You can laugh at me and call me weird, but I  liked thinking of myself as a goddess, and a goddess of fertility was so powerful and feminine with her beautiful pregnant belly. This goddess appeared to me as an earthy woman who emanated fertility. Every time I pictured her in my mind, I felt like a fertile woman, and this was a welcome contrast from feeling infertile during medical treatment. I have counseled with  hundreds of women who are trying to become pregnant, and so many women feel their bodies have betrayed them. They are not feeling feminine and fertile, so we work with imagery to help enhance their fertility. Here are quotes from five women in one of my support groups who were using imagery while trying to become pregnant:
  • “I  saw myself surrounded by colorful flowers that were just starting to bloom in my garden”.
  • “I saw an image of a bright, yellow sun rising, and the beams of light were entering my uterus”.
  • “I  wrapped myself in a very soft, cozy blanket. I felt nurtured and relaxed”.
  • “I walked into a  baby’s nursery. I was looking down at a precious baby in a crib, and I knew this would be my baby one day”.
  • “I was  walking through a lush forest and was surrounded by plants and trees. I walked quietly through the forest and felt so peaceful”.
If you start using imagery to enhance  your fertility, I predict you will feel more positive and hopeful about becoming pregnant. Imagery has the ability to affect your physical body in ways that are not understood and explained. Once an image appears to you, remember to access it throughout your day.  Let it be a strength and a resource for you as you are trying to become pregnant. You may want to draw a picture of your image and look at it several,times a day. Find creative ways to remember your image and honor it. In doing so, you will be honoring yourself .    ]]> http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/03/21/imagery-and-visualization-to-enhance-fertility/feed/ 0 Yoga For Fertility And Conception http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/03/11/yoga-for-enhancing-fertility/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=yoga-for-enhancing-fertility http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/03/11/yoga-for-enhancing-fertility/#comments Sun, 11 Mar 2012 01:55:15 +0000 Carol Fulwiler Jones http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/?p=365 Continue reading →]]> Because I am convinced that yoga has powerful effects on your whole being when practiced mindfully and regularly. In particular, I believe yoga has enormous benefits for anyone who is trying to conceive. I went to my first yoga class 29 years ago when I was going through my own infertility treatment and was exhausted and highly stressed. My body felt the stress, and it felt terrible. I was not only in my doctor’s office many times each month undergoing infertility tests and treatments, I was also in graduate school working on my doctorate in clinical psychology and maintaining a full time counseling practice. My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for a couple of years with no promising results in sight. I knew I had to calm my stress, get more rest, exercise, and be the body a baby would love to grow inside. I also needed to pay more attention to my husband and have sex more often if we were going to get pregnant. I had always heard yoga classes were good for stretching, flexibility, and relaxing, so I signed up for a class. At that time, there were very few yoga classes offered in Atlanta, and the Pierce Program was the most well known. I absolutely fell in love with yoga during my first class. I was a gymnast and diver throughout elementary school, middle school, and high school, so yoga was easy for me. I loved doing headstands and handstands again, and my teacher, Martin Pierce, was such a knowledgeable, warm, and skilled teacher. I was hooked from the start and haven’t stopped practicing yoga since that first class. I took classes once or twice a week for a couple of years, got pregnant and had my first son, and decided to become a yoga teacher. I took yoga teacher training classes with Martin for three years and really wanted to have an in depth knowledge of the yoga poses, counterposes, vinyasas, breathing practices, the mechanics of the body, and meditation. After I completed my teacher training, I taught yoga classes for a year or so. I preferred teaching yoga one-on-one or in small groups where I could work closely with each person in the class and alter the postures to benefit the individual needs of each student. Yoga is not a” one size fits all”, and I don’t think it’s smart to have 20 year old women and 60 year old women in the same class. Their bodies, energy levels, and health needs are quite different and should be addressed during class. I still attend yoga classes with my teacher, Kathy, who also trained under Martin for many years. Martin died over 10 years ago, and I still attend yoga classes and workshops with his students. Most of us are yoga teachers, and we are deeply committed to our yoga practice. Our teacher in this yoga lineage is TKV Desikachar, and he is founder of The Krishnamacharya Yoga Mindarim in Chennai., India. Check out their website:http://www.kym.org  to learn more about this yoga center. Through the years, I have closely observed the body tension and  the breathing patterns of  women who came to me for infertility counseling. Their bodies were  usually quite tense, and their breathing was short and shallow. I began teaching them how to breathe in ways that help the body feel calm and relaxed. I also taught  them how to breathe to enhance fertility. The breath is our most powerful and accessible resource for change, and yoga practices are the best tools I know of for learning healthy breathing patterns. I have so much to say on this topic and will continue these discussions in future blogs. I would like to leave you with one simple breathing practice: Take slower and deeper breaths for the next 5 minutes. Breathe in and out of your nose if possible. Pay careful attention to your breath and to your body as you lengthen your inhalations and your exhalations. Then leave a comment describing what you noticed.]]> http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/03/11/yoga-for-enhancing-fertility/feed/ 0 Celebrate Your Strength And Courage While Trying To Get Pregnant http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/02/26/celebrate-your-strength-and-courage-while-trying-to-get-pregnant/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=celebrate-your-strength-and-courage-while-trying-to-get-pregnant http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/02/26/celebrate-your-strength-and-courage-while-trying-to-get-pregnant/#comments Sun, 26 Feb 2012 19:37:38 +0000 Carol Fulwiler Jones http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/?p=310 Continue reading →]]> which treatments your doctor will recommend, or whether you will get pregnant and carry a pregnancy to term. Your choices would be limited if couples in the past had not been willing to go out on a limb. They took risks so that new technologies could be discovered. I have had the privilege of specializing in infertility counseling for the past 20 years, and I have watched amazing advancements in the field of reproductive medicine during this time. I served for 10 years on the National Board of Resolve, and I will always remember the guest speakers at one of our fundraising dinners. The guest speakers were Dr. Howard Jones, his wife, Judith and Roger Carr, and their daughter, Elizabeth (who was 19 years old at the time). Elizabeth was the first “test tube baby” born in the US on December 28, 1981, and Howard Jones was the Carr’s doctor. I was deeply moved as I listened to each of them tell their stories of this monumental event. Dr. Jones told the story of standing outside the delivery room surrounded by the media who were anxiously waiting to see if a healthy and normal baby was conceived in a test tube in the lab. Dr. Jones said he had prepared 2 press releases…one was in his right pocket celebrating Elizabeth’s birth, and the other was in his left pocket expressing sorrow if something went wrong. This was a brave doctor who took a huge risk to explore, learn about, and transfer embryos created in a test tube into the uterus of an infertile woman. As I listened to the Carr’s tell their story, I had tears streaming down my face. Many others in the room did too. I tried to imagine how they managed their fears and anxieties as the embarked upon this IVF journey. If they had not taken this leap of faith, I would not have the privilege of being a mother to my son, and the millions of IVF babies would not be alive. I was, and still am, grateful for their courage in taking this huge risk. I am not sure I am that brave. Elizabeth is now 29 years old, and there are now over 4 million in-vitro children world wide. There are about 58,000 IVF babies born in the US each year. I am so very grateful to those who have been risk taking pioneers in the field of reproductive medicine. I also admire the bravery of each man, woman, and couple who enter into the unknown journey of infertility treatments. You make difficult decisions each cycle about whether you choose to continue infertility treatments, and if so, which treatments, and at what cost emotionally, mentally, physically, spirituality, and financially? These are tough choices, and they are always made thoughtfully and with a giant leap of faith. Today is a good day to celebrate your strength and courage as you seek to become parents. Honor yourself in this process. I honor you and those who have blazed this trail before you.]]> http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/02/26/celebrate-your-strength-and-courage-while-trying-to-get-pregnant/feed/ 0 Valentines: A Day For Loving Yourself Well http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/02/15/valentines-a-day-for-loving-yourself-well/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=valentines-a-day-for-loving-yourself-well http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/02/15/valentines-a-day-for-loving-yourself-well/#comments Wed, 15 Feb 2012 02:20:17 +0000 Carol Fulwiler Jones http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/?p=284 Continue reading →]]> together with family or friends who are pregnant. It’s about honoring your sacred relationship with your partner. It’s about taking time to tell each other how much you cherish one another. It’s remembering you chose to be together because of the special connection you share. You did not choose each other just to have a baby and parent together. I saw a couple today, John and Mimi (not their real names), who have been married for twelve years. I saw them for counseling a few years ago when they were in treatment for infertility.  She was in her late thirties, and her egg quality was poor. They decided that adoption or donor eggs was not right for them, so they stopped medical treatments and chose child free living. Now, years later, they are about 80% at peace with their child free decision, even though the yearning to be a parent still surfaces on occasion. Mimi talked about how she blamed herself for them not being able to have a baby. She gained weight on fertility drugs and was no longer feeling feminine and sexy. This led to her distancing from her husband and avoiding sex. The more she distanced, the more he immersed himself in work. Today they came to see me because they love each other very much. They have become so detached from one another that she has been talking about leaving the marriage. She is not happy with herself or with John. She does not want to leave this man she loves, but she is lonely and sad. She wants him to pay attention to her and spend time with her. He wants her to listen to him and support him through the difficult financial times he is having at work. They started telling me the reasons they chose to marry each other and the many qualities they love in one another. I asked them to look at one another and say these compliments to each other rather than to me. It was magical how they immediately started smiling and their body postures released the physical tension they were holding. I suggested they turn off all electronics each evening for one hour and spend time connecting with one another–discussing an interesting topic, playing a game, going for a walk, or making love. John and Mimi agreed to this and were reminded of how much time and attention they gave each other when they were dating. Over the years with the stresses of infertility and of life, they detached from nurturing and caring for one another, and they realized how simple it is to tune in and reconnect. Mimi was brilliant in acknowledging that John was not responsible for how she loves and cares for herself. She said that loving herself only comes from within, and she was interested in gently learning to reconnect with and care for herself. John does not want this wonderful and devoted wife to ever leave him, and he is willing to step up his efforts to give her attention and help her feel safe. I was looking out my window as they were leaving my office building. They were holding hands, walking close to each other, and laughing. I deeply appreciate the moments when I have the privilege of witnessing couples reconnect  and remember why they chose to spend their lives growing old together. So… On Valentines Day and each day, remember to love yourself well so that you can love others well.]]> http://www.theinfertilitycounselor.com/2012/02/15/valentines-a-day-for-loving-yourself-well/feed/ 0