Let’s start with the positive:

The parents express how desperately they want a child. This is true for all couples I have seen who are making these heroic efforts to become parents.

I love Goldie saying,” A family is a family and love is love”. That warms my heart.

I also love Brian saying, “Not being the baby’s biodad doesn’t make me less of a Dad”.

Another great quote, “A surrogate is like an easy bake oven”.

There are many lines which express perfectly the way surrogates and intended parents feel and think. This helps people understand and soften into this particular way of creating a family.

Now for the not so positive:

I was VERY disappointed to learn that Goldie is a traditional surrogate, rather than a gestational carrier. It is very rare for anyone to use a traditional surrogate so this misleads the general public about surrogacy. In fact, I think it’s damaging, and I’ll tell you why. I have counseled with many amazing women who want to be gestational carriers. The gestational carriers like knowing that they are not using their own eggs so the baby has no genetic connection to them. This helps them stay more emotionally detached and clear that they are growing a baby created by the couple’s embryos (or in the case of a gestational carrier for a gay couple, it would be the man’s sperm and donor eggs). Most gestational carriers say they would never consider traditional surrogacy because then the baby would be conceived with her eggs, and therefore genetically connected to her. This may make it too difficult for her to give up the baby after delivery.

I have met with many gay couples who want to have a child. They create embryos using one of the man’s sperm and an egg donor. The donor may be anonymous, or she may be a friend or relative (not a relative of the man who is using his sperm). The egg donor goes through in vitro fertilization to retrieve her eggs, and then her eggs are mixed with the man’s sperm to create embryos. Typically one or two embryos are transferred into the uterus of a gestational carrier, and the additional embryos are frozen. The frozen embryos may be used to try other cycles if the carrier does not become pregnant this cycle. The embryos may also be used for having other children in the future.

I also felt that many of the characters were trying too hard to play an exaggerated role, and it was a bit over the top and irritating at times. The grandmother, Jane, was way too strong of an outspoken bigot. Goldie’s daughter, Shania, was trying too hard to be an odd child and acted too mature for her young age. Goldie’s ex-boyfriend, Rocky, is an idiot and I can’t imagine she would have ever been interested in him in the first place. I liked the other characters.

Overall, the show is entertaining. As I stated earlier, it is a misrepresentation of surrogacy, and I am sad NBC didn’t do their homework to get this critical piece correct. I will stay tuned and see how the season unfolds, but they really lost my attention after the first episode. As an infertility counselor who counsels hundreds of men, women, and couples who are using assisted medical technologies to create their families, I advocate strongly for a well informed public who can better understand and support the 7.3 million people who are struggling to become parents.

Many of these assisted reproductive technologies are not understood, and I applaud NBC for airing a television series which shows the road less traveled for many couples who are trying to build their families. In addition, it’s so cool that NBC got even edgier by casting a gay couple. It is time this topic of building families through donors and surrogates was out of the closet. We have over 7 million people in the US who are experiencing infertility, and the numbers are increasing at alarming rates.

In the introduction of my book, Managing The Stress Of Infertility: How To Balance Your Emotions, Get The Support You Need, And Deal With Painful Social Situations When You’re Trying To Become Pregnant, I write: “My dream is that one day infertility will no longer be a secret disease and people can openly talk about their treatment and family-building choices without fear of judgment, stigma, or negative consequences. Life is a gift to be celebrated. A child is a gift to a parent, no matter how conception occurs or how a parent and child come together.”

So I’m signing off the watch the season preview. The opening premiere is Tuesday, September 11, 9::30 EST. Stay tuned and I’ll blog about it tomorrow.

www.nytimes.com/2012/08/23/health/fathers-age-is-linked-to-risk-of-autism-and-schizophrenia.html

Historically, infertility has focused on the age of the mother, her eggs in particular, and has rarely mentioned the age of the father. With the rise in autism, it seems this study is worth noting as older couples are passionately pursuing parenthood.

I knew I had to act quickly and the adrenalin rush helped me to think clearly. Calling 911 was useless since I couldn’t speak, and help would not arrive for 10-15 minutes, which would be too late. I considered running next door for help, but my neighbors were out of town. I decided to do the heimlich maneuver on myself a few times, and if that didn’t work, I would have to take more drastic measures of  doing a tracheotomy on myself. I knew I would be unconscious soon, so time was of the essence. I did a forward bend and hit my lower chest really hard. Great news..the two calcium pills literally flew out of my mouth, and I could breathe again. Apparently when I swallowed lots of water, the two pills stuck together, which caused the total obstruction.

I just laid down on my floor and felt so upset. This really scared me! Then I started taking slow, deep breaths to calm down. My mind wanted to go to all the what if’s and worst case scenarios. Instead, I focused on how grateful I was to be alive, healthy, and able to breathe. When I am living in gratitude, there is no space for worry about the future… The future that may or may not come to pass.

I think I was able to stay in gratitude because I have been practicing this for many years. In fact, going through infertility was my first teacher. When you are trying to get pregnant, it is so easy to slip into worrying about whether or not you will be pregnant this month, next month, or this year. That worry drains your energy and only creates fear and anxiety.

Rather than let your thoughts wander into the made up future, keep your attention on this day and this moment. Think of the many things you are grateful for, and appreciate all the ways your life is blessed. This is calming and really feels good. The more you practice living in gratitude, the easier it becomes. Infertility can be a powerful teacher, and it has the ability to transform how you live in the world.

I went to sleep that night deeply appreciating my life. It’s really a wonderful way to rest peacefully. I hope the same for you as you are trying to get pregnant.

For the first time ever, beginning today, women enrolled in new employer-sponsored health plans will have access to eight new preventative services without cost (free of co-payment or deductible requirements.) The Affordable Care Act, passed in 2010, contained key provisions requiring health plans with renewal dates on or after August 1, 2012, to provide the following eight services to women without cost:

Well women visits to include routine breast and pelvic exams

Gestational diabetes screening for pregnant women

Testing for human papillomavirus, for women 30 and older

STI counseling for sexually active women

HIV screening and counseling for sexually active women

FDA approved contraception and contraceptive counseling

Breastfeeding support, supplies, and counseling

Domestic violence screening

These services were based on recommendations from the Institute of Medicine, which relied on evidence-based research to develop its recommendations.

Previously some insurance companies did not cover these preventive services for women at all under their health plans, while some women had access to these services but only after paying deductibles or copays for these services. Some insurance plans in effect before the passage of the Affordable Care Act may have “grandfathered” status and may be exempt from offering the new benefits. Additionally, certain nonprofit religious organizations, such as churches and schools, are not required to cover these services.

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services estimates that these new benefits will be available to 47 million women.

I helped her understand that anxiety is based in fear of the unknown. She was actually afraid she may never be able to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and be a mother. In her mind, she created hundreds of fears and worries about a future without a child in her life.

The solution to decreasing her anxiety is to help her learn to stay in the present moment. I asked her to close her eyes, and we practiced taking many slow and deep breaths together. Her exhalation was shorter than her inhalation, so I asked her to softly say  ”ma” as she exhaled. At first she was self conscious and uncomfortable using sound during her exhalation, so we did it together.

Using sound as you exhale helps extend your exhalation, and this helps you feel calmer. As she practiced breathing in this way, I watched her shoulders and face relax. Then the rest of her body relaxed. Once her breathing was steady, I asked her to continue this breath pattern for at least 5 more breaths.

She slowly opened her eyes and said she was surprised by how calm she felt. In that moment, she was only aware of her body feeling relaxed and calm. Her mind was clear of worries and fears.

Staying in the present moment takes awareness and practice. When you feel anxious, bring your attention back to your breath and this moment. It’s really all you have, and there is no need to worry about a future that may never come to pass.

These delays remind me of all the delays I endured while trying to get pregnant.  Each month I was ready to become pregnant, and with the next negative pregnancy test, my dream of being a mother was delayed. I chose to view my parenting as “delayed” rather than “extinguished”. So how do we learn to wait for what we most desire in life…whatever the desire is in the present moment?

As I sit on the runway, I do not like feeling frustrated, so I will practice waiting calmly. This is an opportunity to practice what I preach, and it is taking conscious effort on my part. These are some things I tried and found helpful:

* I thought about the fun times I just had with my sons. It helped make the wait to return home much more enjoyable. I felt lucky to be able to spend a wonderful weeekend with my family.

* When I was physically uncomfortable, I did yoga stretches in my seat and walked around the   plane when the captain OK’d it.

* I asked for water several times to stay hydrated.

* I closed my eyes and practiced breathing slowly and deeply. Breathing in this way is calming, especially when you extend your exhalation.

* After  I finished reading the 2 magazines I had, I listened to some of my favorite music on my ipod .

Others around me were complaining and were angry at the Delta flight attendants. It seems we often want to blame someone when things aren’t going our way, or maybe we just release upsetting emotions when we vent them to someone.

How are you managing the stress of infertility? Do you practice ways to stay hopeful and calm as you weather monthly disappointments of negative pregnancy tests?  Try some of the techniques I mention to help you wait calmly as you stay the course of infertility treatment.

Make plans  to pamper yourself, and only you know how you like to be pampered. Get plenty of rest and take a nap…every day. Do at least one activity a day that you enjoy- read, exercise, relax in the sun. Set aside lots of time to have fun sex and reconnect with your spouse. Eat healthy meals.

The goal is to relax, de-stress, enjoy your life. Spend at least an hour each day in silence, and use this time to clear your mind. Notice your thoughts and feelings, and watch them come and go. This is a time of “being” rather than a time of “doing”. I predict you will be revitalized and will have a different perspective on your life, and in particular, on how you manage your infertility treatment.

My mothering role has come to an abrupt halt. I no longer have to organize my days around nurturing my son and being available to spend time with him. I spent eight years trying to have my two sons, and have been an active and devoted mother for the past twenty-five years. The truth is, being a mother has brought me so much meaning and joy. I love being a mother more than any thing I can think of.

Watching my sons grow up has been such a pleasure, and I celebrate them moving into the next phase of their lives. Now I must move into the next phase of my life, and I am not quite sure what that will look like.

I have been reflecting this week on some of what I learned through infertility, and I can apply much of what I learned then to help me today. These are some of my thoughts:

• We never know what the future holds. Wondering and worrying about a future that may never come to pass only creates anxiety.

• Don’t dwell in the past .. It is over and done.

• This moment is all we have. Pay attention or you will miss it.

• Take time each day to be grateful for what you have, it makes what you don’t have much less important.

• Do what you love to do and spend time with friends who nourish you.

• Stay hopeful.

• Listen to your heart.

There are many life lessons to be learned during infertility. Pay attention to how you are growing and changing during this challenging time.

* The 2012 Mother’s Day is a stark reminder that another year has passed and you have not been blessed with a pregnancy or baby. You feel left out, rather than special and important.

* With the abundance of advertising in preparation for Mother’s Day, it is a painful reminder that you have not been successful in fulfilling your dream of being a mother.

* Churches, synagogues, and places of worship are avoided because the sermons are focused on celebrating what you most yearn to celebrate with all the other parents.

* During family meals and gatherings, conversation often centers on anyone who is pregnant or has young children. These conversations are uncomfortable, sad, and upsetting.

* Friends and family may ask questions such as, “When are you going to start a family?” or “Do you think you will be a mother soon?” It is challenging to respond creatively with upset yourself or others.

 Here is some advice for how to stay calm and enjoy Mother’s Day:

* Do something new and different as a couple. Maybe this is the year you and your partner go out of town for a romantic weekend together, get massages, or spend the day hiking.

* Hang out with friends who are not pregnant and having babies.

* If you decide to be with family, send an email to family members in advance explaining what you’re going through, and let them know that if the conversation turns to babies when you get together, you may not stay. It’s nice to spend some time with your mother  or grandmother reflecting on the the many things you appreciate about them.

Try not to let this Hallmark occasion negatively affect you. It’s just a day and does not have to be filled with negative emotions. Go do something you enjoy and buy some flowers for yourself. A little pampering always feels good.